A way to live again, a way to love again

I'm 35. I'm not young anymore. When I was young I thought I knew it all. I was ambitious, spontaneous, and stupid. It is really weird how we risk so much when we have no value for what we are risking. I have struggled a lot. Been through way too much emotional turmoil and way too much pain. I look back now and wonder how it is I got through it all. The answer is my kids, my family, Osameh, and God.

My kids have given me a sense of hope. Everything in their eyes is doable. When Adam passed away Jeneane came up to me and hugged me. She was so upset that her brother didn't make it. I was in shambles. Osameh was inconsolable. But my sister came over with Danny and somehow I knew that I was going to have another son that Danny was going to be playing with, that was going to be loved like Adam was promised to. He was so beautiful and I often wonder what he would have been like had he lived to be a young man.

Then Afif came along and taught me the very meaning of beauty. He is so his own man and so my best friend that I can't imagine a breath of life without him. When he was a baby he inspired me to go back to school and finish my masters. Just looking at him and Jeneane I knew I had to raise the bar...set the standard high enough for the both of them. They both look up to me so much that I knew that if I didn't go back to school that I would always live in the what ifs and the I wish.

Through all of this I have been blessed to always have the support of my Mom and Dad and my siblings. Kawther is not only my confidant, but also the woman I aspire to be. I have been so blessed with their love that I couldn't have done anything or accomplished anything if it wasn't for their cheering at the sidelines every step of the way.

Then there is Osameh, my funny man. A little bit of mobster, totally intimidating to others and the biggest teddy bear God ever created. He is kind, generous, and supportive. Everytime I get an idea in my head he gives me the energy to follow through. I get mad at him, he laughs. I scream, he laughs. He balances my insanity and the wildness of the kids with laughter. I don't know what I would do if I had to go through life with out him there to giggle me through it.

Finally, there has been one constant presence to which I owe all.....God.
I am grateful for everything he has ever given me and everything he has taken away. In the darkest of places and in the darkest of hours he has been there...holding me together and keeping me sane. I have had a challenging life, but what I have had more than anything else is a series of blessings that I would not have appreciated without those dark hours, those hard times.

I have really learned to truely live and love again.